Boozers & Losers Vol 01

Think al-ke-hall never hurt anybody? Think again, with these five shorts of 100% pure proof!

Sometime From 5 to 7:30, a drunk-driving friend of ever-sullen Joe has killed a couple of innocent bystanders, and Joe (who acts largely by using his right hand) is quite pissed. Joe can’t seem to find a sympathetic ear at home where his dad whips up a pitcher of drinks with the same caution practiced by someone manning a meth lab and, pretty soon, Mom and Dad are blotto, talking about Dewey vs. Truman blah blah blah. It’s enough to make Joe scream, "Mother, could we please eat dinner?" had Mom not hit so much sauce she left the oven on too long. After a school lecture from the obligatory white-haired authority figure, Joe tries to find peace at the home of his pal Ruth, but it turns out her dad, too, is fond of after-work slurred speech. The moral: continue to let Dad booze up and kill his liver -- just don’t you touch it.

The Baptist-backed Pay the Piper takes place on Betty’s graduation night, and her father can’t wait to give her a shiny new watch. He’ll have to wait until the next life, however, as the cops inform him that she bought the farm in an auto accident and alcohol was involved. Betty’s dad looks at the watch and breaks down crying. (What, didn’t he save the receipt?) He then begins a Hardcore-esque investigation to find out who sold his daughter liquor, and goes around flashing her pic all over town like a badge, and finally tells his wife that he has "no reason to go on living." I won’t spoil the surprise ending, but boy, is it rich!

In The Choice Is Yours, Jerry and Louise go to their chemistry teacher’s house for a special lesson. There’s good reason the teacher’s in chem; as they arrive, he’s got an array of fine liqueurs laid out on the table. But he’s just eager to answer their questions like, "Why does it make people do such queer things," which cues the footage of stumbling drunks and skid-row bums, in addition to an animated film on the human body being poisoned by the Devil’s Drink.

Alcoholism delves into the case history of Ed the Alkie, and suggests that Ed’s problem stems from his childhood, when his coloring skills were deemed not up to snuff by his abusive, undershirt-wearing father. I offer a more valid theory for driving him to drink: Ed and his wife sleep in separate beds!

Finally, there’s None for the Road: Teen-Age Drinking and Driving, in which Jerry chastises his friend Dan for ordering ginger ale instead of beer ("What gives?"). Dan explains that he got the keys to the family car, and he’s staying dry. He’s so proud of the keys that he’s attached them to a lucky charm, which attracts the eye of a young honey. "Can I trade you for it?" she asks. "Looks to me like you got plenty of charm!" says Dan who still doesn’t get laid. While we see the ill effects of these pals’ decisions to drink, a bespectacled doctor shows how alcohol affects lab rats. As if that wasn’t enough, the good doc then shows us what happens when you use a moving automobile and a real, live deliveryman...
Open a cool one and kick back with this collection. -- Rod Lott, Hitch magazine